I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
