Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
