You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It's shark week go big or go home
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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