When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
