Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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