I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
