somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
