I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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