Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
