i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
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