dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
