I faked an abortion last night.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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