I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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