I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
