you're like a bully in the Christmas story
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
