Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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