Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
