GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
