Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
the day after is always just damage control
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
