You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
