Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
