you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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