I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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