Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
