I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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