Soap is not a condiment
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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