If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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