I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
