She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
