Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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