if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
