I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
