dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
