Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
