Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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