Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
