Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
