at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
