dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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