I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
