Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
