I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
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Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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