she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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