bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
