why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
