found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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