if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
