I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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