I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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