I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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