Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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