I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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