i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
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Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.