The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
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I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
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Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.