i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There r osticjed everywhere
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
