I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
